Post.
I shall confess for being a coward for my whole life so far, for being always driven by fear and constraints rather than my own will. Worse than that, I am getting more used to being and thinking like a coward.
It seems to others that I did pretty well before and in college. I got high GPA and high rankings during undergraduate years. I got an honors degree. I got PhD and Masters offers from top universities in the US.
However, no one knows what really happens. I did all these just because I am troubled by a nightmare where I failed an exam and lost everything I have got. The nightmare constantly gets in my head and has been driving me to do nothing but to get a satisfactory grade. I do not do sports, nor play video games or go dating, not because I don’t want to. It’s just because I lack the courage. Fear for failure in academic performance is driving me mad.
Not only fear for academic failure, I do feel that I fear anything that can cause me not to meet expectations. I had planned to buy a pistol and kill myself when I got to the US, but I am afraid to make those who care about me down. As a young man grown up in a traditional Chinese family, it seems that I have no right nor courage to be who I wanted to be.
It’s just like that the more you have, the more you fear to lose. Life is meaningless for me, I am dead but have to live on. I know that I have to change, but I have nowhere to start from.
I shall confess for being a coward for my whole life so far, for being always driven by fear and constraints rather than my own will. Worse than that, I am getting more used to being and thinking like a coward.
It seems to others that I did pretty well before and in college. I got high GPA and high rankings during undergraduate years. I got an honors degree. I got PhD and Masters offers from top universities in the US.
However, no one knows what really happens. I did all these just because I am troubled by a nightmare where I failed an exam and lost everything I have got. The nightmare constantly gets in my head and has been driving me to do nothing but to get a satisfactory grade. I do not do sports, nor play video games or go dating, not because I don’t want to. It’s just because I lack the courage. Fear for failure in academic performance is driving me mad.
Not only fear for academic failure, I do feel that I fear anything that can cause me not to meet expectations. I had planned to buy a pistol and kill myself when I got to the US, but I am afraid to make those who care about me down. As a young man grown up in a traditional Chinese family, it seems that I have no right nor courage to be who I wanted to be.
It’s just like that the more you have, the more you fear to lose. Life is meaningless for me, I am dead but have to live on. I know that I have to change, but I have nowhere to start from.